Since March, it’s been just the two of us, just Albie and me, we’ve been through a whole lot in the past few months, we are finally finding our feet, they’re in a new home, but they are right here, right where they need to be, next to each other.
I never ever imagined I would be a single parent, I never thought my son would be a kid from a broken home, but I guess no one does, sometimes it just works out that way. I’m from a broken home, I wanted better for Albie, but what if this is better? What if both Mum and Dad are better parents when they aren’t parenting under the same roof? Surely that’s better than seeing them argue? Surely having two parents who love you so much that that the only thing they have left to argue over is who gets to see you the most is better for everyone, better for Albie, better for Mum and better for Dad? Sometimes it’s hard to believe that.
I’m not a crier. Any one who loves me would struggle to tell you a time of when they have seen me cry in my adult life, I hate putting my problems on others. For a couple of months, smiles were painted on and jokes were made “Albie will love it, 2 set of presents, 2 Christmas days” I wasn’t sad for my marriage, it was the right thing to do, I was sad for Albies family life, sad that he might feel that jealous niggle I used to get when my friends parents were still together, sad that I’ve ended up where I never thought I would be, because I gave up trying to fix something that had broken so bad it was just impossible to tape over the cracks. I am so grateful to my family and to my friends, not one of them asked me if I was sure I was doing the right thing, they poured me a large glass of wine, made me some good food and didn’t make me talk about, they know me, they know that this nut is hard to crack, and that when I was ready to talk I would.
So, here we are 5 months later, Albie and I have a new house, we are slowly making it a home. He has been an absolute star and has adapted so well to spending time with us both. Every other Friday morning I drop Albie to nursery knowing that I won’t see him until Monday evening, it breaks my heart saying goodbye to him, I worry that he doesn’t understand why he doesn’t see me during these days, but I know its unavoidable and something all Mummies and Daddies that separate have to deal with. Come Monday I am the happiest girl and counting down the hours at my desk until I get to rush off and pick him up and see the smile I love most in the world and have those little arms wrapped around my neck.
Albie, I’m sorry we couldn’t make it work but I promise that you will never feel unloved.